Children and Divorce

The decision to get a divorce is difficult and often, painful. When children are involved, the process becomes more complex and emotionally charged. By the time a couple has reached the point where one or both spouses want to end their marriage, the emotional climate at home has been unpleasant and often, combative, for a long period. Children, who tend to be the family barometers, are aware and often worried about what will happen to them and to the family. They wonder which parent they'll live with, whether they'll have to leave their home, and have many other questions that deal with the most fundamental issues of their lives.

Parents often feel tremendous guilt and anxiety about the impact of divorce on their children, and many want to protect their children from feeling bad or sad. The problem is that divorce is a sad event even when it is the healthiest choice. It marks the end of the family as the children had known it, and it requires a certain amount of mourning.

There are many reasons for therapy for children and parents during, or following a divorce. By establishing appropriate boundaries within the family, the therapist creates a safe place for members to talk about and express their feelings. For example, a child may want to describe a disturbing event, but may feel afraid to bring it up in front of either of the parents. The therapist's job is to provide a safe way for the child to talk about the event. Many times, parents feel so insecure about their own future, they push their children to take sides or become "little adults" to substitute for the missing spouse. A therapist points out these dynamics and helps parents find other means of support and comfort during a very stressful period.

Parents often need help understanding how children express their grief about the divorce. Young children don't have the verbal capacity to express their feelings through words. Instead, they communicate their emotional state through behavior. Parents may find their three year old, who was potty trained, wetting herself several times every day. The young child, who had been very independent, may become clingy or whiny. Depending on the age of the child, there may be confusion about the permanence of divorce. Very young children will not understand that divorce is permanent - it does not get "undone" after a certain amount of time. Their concept of time is also not established. An hour may feel like a week, and tomorrow happens after a nap. Older children and adolescents may report they don't care when parents get divorced, but changes in their behavior at home, at school, and with friends are likely to indicate they're experiencing emotional stress and confusion. The role of the therapist is to help parents understand their children's emotional state given the age, temperament, and developmental stage of each child and to help the child/adolescent safely express their feelings, concerns, and needs.

Among parents who are sharing the responsibilities of parenting, there is a tendency to fall into "parallel parenting," particularly when the divorce has been difficult,. This is where each parent assumes total responsibility for the child during the time the child is with them, with very little coordination and communication with the other parent. The result of parallel parenting is that the child is often placed in the middle of parental conflict. For example, if Mom allows her son to stay up late and watch any television show he wants while Dad has a strict bedtime and television restrictions, the child receives mixed messages. Who is the "good parent?" As time goes by, many parents are able to move beyond their initial anger and to gradually develop a more cooperative, communicative relationship. The role of the family therapist is to help parents move into this more cooperative phase more quickly and with less stress.

Although the divorce process can be very destructive, it also has the potential to offer family members an opportunity to re-evaluate what is most important in their lives, and to make positive changes. Many of the psychologists affiliated with PFPA provide assistance to families and children helping them make as successful an adaptation to divorce and its aftermath as possible.

Things You Can Do to Help Your Child

When Should You Seek Help?

If you or your partner show the following signs:

Other Resources:
www.aamft.org/families/Consumer_Updates/ChildrenandDivorce.asp